a year has gone by ...

i can't believe that a whole year has passed.  i hate the way time changes everything.  although i guess if time didn't change this i'd be going insane right about now.  maybe it's because i dont live in new jersey anymore but it still doesnt seem like it can be true.  im trying not to cry because my roomate is sitting right across from me and i dont want her to worry or anything.  when i think about you i want to cry because it is still so sad but the crying feels almost healing at this point.

sasha finally called me back last night.  he said things are kind of rough at the gym but i have no idea what that means.  i kind of want to get him a birthday present.  last summer really made a difference for me.  i dont even feel like i worked hard enough and i dont know what will happen in season this year.  but i know that sasha really does care about me.  i guess i always knew but this summer he really showed it.  im not sure if that was your doing but if it was, thank you because i really needed that from him.  i really need to talk to him so he can get me to focus on my gymnastics without worrying about all the other crap people throw at me in college.  i wish i could talk to you about it too but ... yeah.

anyway, id say that i'll do it for you ... i'll compete for you and do well for you and get 9s, but i dont want to do that because if it doesnt happen then i'll have that on my consience and i dont think i can handle that.  so i am going to do it for me because i've learned that it doesnt work any other way.  and if i do succeed i want you to take all of my glory for yourself.

i want to watch your video but i can't find it anywhere.  i'll have to look around.

love Rachel

PS: i was crossing the bridge on thursday and looking up at the sky the entire time.  it's so big and unknown and kind of intimidating and scary, but at least i know you'll be there.  there's something very comforting about that.

hello up there

hey.  im writing to you on here because im not your myspace friend and i cant write on your wall.  that kinda sucks but i dont really need everyone to read this anyway, you are the only person that really needs to see it.

i came back to gym a couple of weeks ago.  and it kinda sucks.  its so weird when you go away because the last time i was there before now was thanksgiving, and the time before that was your memorial.  i dont even think the pit was filled the last time i was there.  so its like so much has changed but nothing at all has changed also.  its hard to explain i hope you kinda understand what i mean.  im not even sure myself.

so anyway, i havent been doing much gymnastics lately.  (well i am now).  so now i am really out of shape and its like i quit or something.  every day ive been there so far i think to myself why the hell am i still doing this?  what was i even thinking?  what if i just quit tomorrow and never came back would that really be the worst thing?  so im basically trying to make this comeback where id have to condition like mad and work really hard and spend many hours in the gym and practically starve myself, and im not even fully into it.  what am i supposed to do about that?

i soooooo hate this sport right now.  i have completely forgotten what gymnastics even feels like.  do you remember?  do you still do gymnastics ever?  i know you had alot of love for the sport but i mean look at what it did to you.  i wouldnt blame you if you dont do it.

its pretty depressing at the gym.  nobody talks and i feel sort of awkward when im there.  like my time is up and i dont belong there anymore.  its all really fucked up, theres no other way to explain it.

dorothy told me that i can do whatever i want as long as i want to do it.  it all has to come from me you know?  but my heart just isnt into it right now.  but its not into quitting either.  its like i cant see the big picture anymore or something.  its been so long since ive really competed that i dont even know what that means.  there are always little reminders that i still want to do it ... like when i see mary throwing double pikes and all i want to do is be able to run down there and do one myself.  even if i never competed again im realizing its heartbreaking not to be able to do my tricks.  its frustrating as hell that i can barely do anything with my own body anymore.  mabye once i start doing real tricks ill remember.

im thinking of you alot right now.  i feel your presence all the time in the gym but its just making me really sad.  and i dont think thats your intention at all, because you always brought so much positive energy there when you were alive.  i know youre there so maybe i need to look closer.  i always stare at your tree when i drive in.  the day of your memorial was one of the saddest days of my life.

i want to ask a favor from you but im not sure how to word this.  i guess i need you to help me figure out what i want.  i mean, i think i know what i want, and i have some drive to do it, but i dont have the heart.  you had alot of heart all of the time so if you could help me out with that that would be amazing.  i know i have the heart to do this but ive been searching and i cant find it anywhere!!!  so please please help me find that heart, and keep me going for now and remind me why i went through all of this trouble to get back into this.  i could say i dont want to let you down but i think thats a lie.  i dont think id let you down if i quit and if i did, well im sorry, but i really dont want to let myself down.  because im starting to understand more and more that this whole thing is really for me and nobody else.  and i need to do it all by myself but im asking for your help just to get me started.  please.

i love you.

rachel